How to Create Meaning in Dementia Care...

One of the most important things to a caregiver of someone with Alzheimer’s is to know their loved one is happy. However, they are often so overwhelmed by the responsibility of caregiving, that the fun of being together is lost. All engagement tends to be for survival and not for enrichment. This often results in a negative atmosphere affecting the mood of everyone, including the person with Alzheimer’s. Left unchecked, the resulting tensions will often lead to behavioral issues from both individuals. Slipping Away Unsure how to even act around each other, the care partners (the person with Alzheimer’s and his or her caregiver) may fall into a world of isolation. They may worry about what others think or feel their situation is unlike others’. They can become so uncomfortable that they may withdraw from family, friends and society. Changing these tendencies is important to the health and well-being of both individuals because meaningful human interaction, whether in a one-on-one situation or in a group setting, is important to everyone’s happiness. Finding Happiness With Alzheimer’s disease, it’s important that engagement is adapted to meet the changing needs of the individual while focusing on the things that enrich the person’s life and bring happiness. For this to work, the caregiver must accept how things are now and discover ways to incorporate meaningful activities on daily basis. While a caregiver will routinely look back at how things were, it’s vital to appreciate that the person with Alzheimer’s is the same person as in the past. It’s the disease that’s making the individual act different, and typically, the same things will still bring happiness to his or her heart. These men and women still want to be included in activities and to...

Cards That Offer Better Words for a Serious Illness...

Their cancer-survivor maker knows the pain of kind but hurtful sentiments If you have ever had cancer or another serious illness, you can probably make a long list of unhelpful things that friends, family and well-meaning acquaintances have said to you. “Everything happens for a reason.” “I read about this miraculous new treatment on the Internet!” “Oh, I knew someone who had that same thing and they died.” Emily McDowell, a cancer survivor, has heard them all. In response, the Los Angeles graphic designer came up with a set of eight “Empathy Cards” to be used when traditional “get well” cards just don’t work. She launched them this week. Another set is due out in December, she told NPR’s Ina Jaffe in an interview. A Terrifying Diagnosis McDowell learned 15 years ago, at age 24, that she had Stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a cancer of the lymphatic system. “The most difficult part of my illness wasn’t losing my hair, or being erroneously called ‘sir’ by Starbucks baristas, or sickness from chemo,” she said on her company’s website. “It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realizing it.” Among the potentially offensive comments: referring to cancer as “a journey.” “With time and distance, some people do come tothat conclusion on their own that this … feels like a journey,” McDowell told NPR. “But a lot of people really feel like ‘If this is a journey, I’d like my ticket refunded,’ or ‘This is a journey to hell and back.’ ” Coming Up Empty To be fair, it is hard to know what to say. When we...

Why You Should Give Yourself a Hug...

Self-compassion improves health The lives of millions of boomers in their 50s and 60s have been characterized by ambition, achievement and competitiveness. Then the recession and lingering economic woes took their toll. For many, drive has given way to disappointment. Self-esteem has been eclipsed by worries about money, retirement and aging. Many of us think we should be doing better. But here’s advice worth heeding: Stop berating yourself. A growing body of research from some of the nation’s top universities is documenting the benefits of self-compassion — being as kind and accepting of your own failures as you would a friend’s. Giving yourself a break and accepting your imperfections improves overall health and well-being, boosts creativity and success and can even help people cope better with aging, studies have found. Moreover, those who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety. We Are All Imperfect “Treating oneself kindly leads people to understand and experience the reality that their troubles are part of the human condition,” says University of Texas at Austin educational psychology associate professor Kristin Neff , who has published a book on her research on self-compassion, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Self-compassion, Neff says, is recognizing that we are all imperfect and should support ourselves, as well as others. This is especially relevant for boomers who, at this stage, tend to tally their life achievements and come up short. Even bags under the eyes and a painful joint or two can lead to a barrage of self-criticism. In fact, says Neff, people with low self-compassion mistakenly believe that being self-critical will motivate them. “But being kind to yourself does not lower standards,” she says. “With self compassion you aim and reach...

Why and When Denial Is Good For Caregivers...

Temporarily ignoring a problem might make it easier to manage The ever-witty author Delia Ephron recently wowed a mostly female boomer audience at the Motion Picture & Television Fund’s Women’s Conference making the crowd laugh with spot-on stories about skipping cab rides to afford a blowout for her unruly hair and wondering why kale is the new wonder food. But the mood turned more somber as she spoke of her late sister, the noted author, screenwriter and film director, Nora Ephron. The two were extremely close, not just as sisters but also as writing partners for films such as When Harry Met Sally and Hanging Up. “When Nora became ill, she told very few people,” Ephron said to the hushed crowd. Her sister didn’t want a flood of sympathy for her losing battle with leukemia or to spend her last months entertaining the mourners — those who come to dwell on your soon-to-be exit. Delia became part of a small circle who cared for Nora, emotionally if not physically, in the last months of her life. Part of that caregiving role was to keep her sister’s diagnosis under wraps. Even though Delia knew the truth, she found herself embracing the canard. Some days, she was able to forget Nora was ill. When Denial Is Healthy When caring for an older parent, ailing spouse or sibling struggling with a devastating diagnosis, denial is often a place caregivers dwell. They may be driven there because they feel overwhelmed or angry, or because they don’t understand “medical speak” and want to tune out. And while an initial state of denial is neither uncommon nor unhealthy, according to Dr. Ira Byock, a leading palliative care physician and author of Dying Well, it’s not...

6 Ways You Can Help a Friend Who is Sick...

Suggestions that let you be present and make a difference Boomers pride ourselves on our ability to handle anything that comes our way, but there’s one thing many of us aren’t prepared for: when friends in our age group get life-threatening diseases. This inescapable front-row seat to a friend’s suffering — and recognition of our own aging — are happening now and will continue for the rest of our lives. While our friendships in the past might have included vacations, gym sessions and social events, the scenario changes significantly when, for example, a friend is undergoing chemotherapy or another serious treatment. She may be housebound with no energy for outings, unable to drive or even sit at a movie. We want to be helpful, but we’re often unsure about what we can do. Plenty, it turns out. Here are six specific, kind, and helpful acts to aid a friend who is suffering: Don’t ask; do. We’re an independent generation and many of us hate being dependent. So take the initiative to be useful. Cook a meal or two your friend can eat and bring it over. Offer to run an errand or take her to the doctor or sit with her for treatment. She’ll appreciate those types of things. Pay extra attention to your sick friend. Call often, even if you just leave a message. Be sure your friend knows you will stick with him or her no matter what. Because, it turns out, some friends disappear when another gets sick, probably because they don’t know how to handle the situation or what to do. Don’t be one of those who vanish. Be there for your loved one. Visit, and don’t come empty-handed. My local grocery’s floral department will...