How to Get Training as an Unpaid Dementia Caregiver...

Whether in person or online, you can find helpful instruction The Best Friends Dementia Bill of Rights states that people with Alzheimer’s or other dementia deserve to have care partners well trained in dementia care. Yet the vast majority of these individuals are cared for in a private residence by untrained and unpaid family members. Although these family members have the best intentions, they may not realize they are up against possibly the most complex caregiving situation imaginable. To say the least, it’s emotionally, physically and financially draining. Yet they attempt to juggle this added responsibility while still maintaining a career, family and social life — all of this without adequate training. Self-Education and Community Help The only way to survive is through ongoing self-education to aid in the “on the job training.” But even when we learn on the job, someone is typically there to guide us. Family members must find educational solutions that work for them, so that means trying different approaches to find the one that works for their unique situation. Contact the big dogs — the Alzheimer’s Foundation and the Alzheimer’s Association — and get registered to receive important information about training opportunities they may offer. Each has unique strengths and weaknesses when it comes to training. Contact local memory-care facilities in your area, too. They often have training classes for professionals and unpaid caregivers. Also, inquire about support groups; when you attend a support group, you get some of the best training possible as you learn from others who are ahead of you in this journey. Lack of Time? Go Online For some people, however, attending these classes in person adds yet another level of complexity to an already overwhelming schedule. The classes are...

What Japan Can Teach Us About Long-Term Care...

Here’s a sobering calculation: The odds that Americans turning 65 today will eventually need assistance with bathing, dressing and other personal activities are about 50/50. And those who’ll need long-term care can expect to incur costs of $138,000, on average, estimate Melissa Favreault of the Urban Institute and Judith Dey of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Yet people age 55 to 64 with retirement savings accounts have a median balance of $104,000 in them, according to the National Institute on Retirement Security, a nonprofit based in Washington, D.C. See the problem? America’s Broken Long-Term Care System Sad to say, America’s system for financing long-term care is badly broken. If we take a few ideas from Japan, though, we could help avoid a long-term care catastrophe. Japan has the highest proportion of people 65+ in the world. And 20 years ago, its long-term care approach looked much like the current failed U.S. system. But Japan took a few key initiatives in 2000 that are widely admired among long-term care policy experts. Before I explain what they did, first let me offer a brief look at the U.S. situation. Long-Term Care Financing in the U.S. America’s private long-term care insurance market is contracting and its policies are expensive. Only about a dozen companies now sell coverage, compared with about 100 more than a decade ago, according to Marc Cohen, chief research and development officer at LifePlans, a firm that helps health- and long-term care insurers manage risk. Tom McInerney, chief executive officer at Genworth, the nation’s largest long-term care insurer, estimates that between half and two-thirds of Americans can’t afford to buy in the traditional long-term care insurance market. A 60-year-old married couple would pay $3,930 per year, on...

How to Visit Your Aging Parent the Right Way...

Taking a different approach can make things better for both of you Katherine Arnup, a retired professor at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, and now life coach, got an education in caregiving when her sister and parents got sick. She later became a hospice volunteer. She drew on those experiences for her latest book, I Don’t Have Time for This!: A Compassionate Guide to Caring for Your Aging Parents and Yourself. Arnup writes about the importance of being “being present” when you visit an aging parent. The following is excerpted from one of the book’s chapters. Settle In, Look Around When you arrive to visit your parents, take the time to get settled. It might help to take a few deep intentional breaths before you open the door to their house or apartment. Once inside, resist the urge to start blathering on and on just to fill the void, or to cover up your discomfort or nervousness. Listen. Observe. How does the house or apartment look? What changes do you notice since your last visit? Is your father wearing clothes with obvious stains? Are there a week’s worth of papers stacked up beside his chair? What might this mean? Is it typical? Might it be a hazard? Not Your House Because of our discomfort, we often fall into the habit of cleaning up, putting things “back in their place,” or throwing things out that we consider to be garbage or recycling. These actions are likely to cause unnecessary frustration and confusion for your parents. They know where everything is now, and you’re only disrupting that order. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that it’s their house, not yours. I’m not suggesting you ignore signs of distress or mental confusion. But...

4 Things to Do When Your Parents Are Resisting Help...

Taking these steps can reduce frustration and stress — for all of you “Doctor, my mom needs help, but she won’t accept it and she won’t listen.” Sound familiar? It’s a complaint I hear all the time from families worried about older parents and aging relatives. And it’s a very real issue that we must address. For better health and wellbeing in older adults, it’s not enough to identify the underlying health and life problems — although that is a key place to start. Because even if you’ve correctly identified the problems and learned how the experts recommend managing them, older parents often seem, well, resistant. Understandably, this causes families a lot of frustration and stress. Here are four actions I always recommend that families take when older parents are resisting help. Consider the possibility of cognitive impairment In other words, is a problem with brain function contributing to this resistance? Now, let me emphasize that you should not assume that your parents are in their wrong mind just because they are making health or safety decisions that you don’t agree with. That said, because it’s very common for the brain to become vulnerable or damaged as people age, decreased brain function is often a factor when an older person resists help. This can affect an older parent’s insight and judgment and can also affect how well they can process your logical arguments. It’s important to spot such cognitive impairment. Some of the impairment is often reversible. For example, older adults frequently develop delirium when ill or hospitalized, and an older person may need weeks or even months to recover to their best thinking abilities. Cognition can also be dampened by certain conditions, like hypothyroidism, or by medication side effects....

How to Help Mom and Dad Move to a New Home...

Here are five tips to make the transition less traumatic for your parents For most people, moving from one home to another is exhausting. Even when we get help with packing and transporting our possessions, moving means changing countless aspects of our everyday lives — from making a new place for the silverware to potentially finding new friends. And it can mean saying goodbye to memories we’ve made over the course of years. Older adults often have a much harder time with the transition. For your parents, moving can go from merely taxing to highly traumatic. That’s when it becomes transfer trauma, also known more broadly as relocation stress syndrome. “You’re literally transitioning to a completely different phase of life, to a completely different environment,” says Tach Branch-Dogans, president and CEO of Moving Memories and Mementos of Dallas, Texas, who spoke at the Aging in America 2015 [www.asaging.org/aia] conference of the American Society on Aging [www.asaging.org] I just attended. That’s true whether a person is voluntarily downsizing or being moved into a nursing home, she says. Symptoms of Transfer Trauma Moving can result in a host of physical and psychological changes, including loss of sleep, agitation, depression, withdrawal, short-term memory loss, irritable bowel syndrome, loss of appetite and nausea, Branch-Dogans says. Tracy Greene Mintz, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Redondo Beach, Calif., who has worked and lectured extensively in the area of relocation stress syndrome, says loss of control is at the core of transfer trauma. “This week you’re going to be at home living independently; next week you’re going to be in assisted living. The abruptness with which we move older people … is very damaging psychosocially and emotionally because it strips the older adult of control,”...

When Should You Step In to Help Your Parents?...

They may brush off your offers, so search out their true needs A parent may ask for the occasional favor, but most won’t ask for help around the house or with their daily activities, even when they need it, says Alberta Chokshi, a social worker and director of quality improvement for Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging. Chokshi, who has been working with families for 40 years, says that instead of seeking help, it’s typical for elderly parents to adapt and adjust their activities and routines. They do household chores more slowly (or not at all). They may use adaptive devices, such as a cane or a reacher or a magnifying glass. Perhaps they’ve lined up someone to pick them up for errands and appointments. And — often just to please their children — they will wear a medical alert bracelet or necklace. What Our Parents Don’t Admit But they usually aren’t admitting — especially to their adult children — that they tend to drop heavy pots, trip on the basement steps, are confused about when to take their medications or back into things with the car. They don’t think it’s any of their kids’ business. Or, they are in denial about what’s going on. Try To See The Big Picture Denial isn’t all on the parents’ side. Adult children are often deep in it, too. They don’t want to admit that a parent is declining and needs help. They may resist accepting that familial roles are starting to reverse and that they need to step in, either helping a parent themselves or lining up support. If you’re guilty of denial, it’s time for you to take a hard look around for the telltale signs that things aren’t going well...

8 Things Not to Say to Your Aging Parents...

Unintended barbs cut to the quick and can’t be taken back. Here are some better options.  I’m going to say something politically incorrect here: Sometimes our elderly parents make us a little nuts. (And sometimes they out-and-out drive us crazy.) We love you, Mom and Dad, but we’ve heard the story about Aunt Cissy pouring wine in the dog’s bowl so many times we can tell it ourselves — in our sleep. The repetitions, the forgetfulness, the incessant asking whether we’d like a sandwich: Eventually it just happens, and out of our well-meaning mouths tumble snarky comments and insults that we really don’t mean but they … just … slip … out. “Seniors often know that their memory and cognitive and physical abilities are declining, and reminders are only hurtful,” says Francine Lederer, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles who works with “sandwich generation” patients and their parents. But even when we manage to hold our tongue, frustration lingers. That’s when we have to be doubly mindful, because by repressing those emotions, we’re more likely to have an emotional outburst. “You might be justifiably annoyed,” Lederer says, “but take a step back and consider how your parent must feel as she faces her diminished capacities.” When people first start “slipping,” they are aware of the loss, and they are often terrified, scared and saddened. Since forewarned is forearmed, here are eight common things we often catch ourselves saying plus suggestions for less hurtful ways to say them. “How can you not remember that!?” That lengthy discussion you had last week with your dad about getting the car inspected might as well never have happened. Seniors often lose short-term memory before long-term and forget all kinds of things we think are...